The Danger of Comfort

Photo: Andrew Coop for Unsplash

Most modern day humans have an almost pathological addiction to comfort - or to avoiding discomfort.

Lost to us (though currently making a significant resurgence) are the ways of ceremonial initiation and rites of passage, desert vision quests, sweat lodge, fasting, dancing and prayer rituals that span many days in the unforgiving heat of the sun.

I challenge you to notice how many times in a day you take some kind of action to bring more comfort and ease to your experience; whether it’s adjusting the air conditioning, fluffing up your pillow, reaching for the ice cream, sending your food back because it has too much chilli - all the way through to avoiding having important conversations, or setting healthy boundaries for your kids.

Now, in and of itself, there is obviously nothing wrong with comfort. But our relationship to comfort can be a huge problem for many reasons that I may elaborate on in another post… But for now, I’ll limit it to the ways in which this addiction to comfort prevents us from realizing how powerful, capable and resilient we are.

Avoiding emotional activation and discomfort prevents people from experiencing a range of growth-inducing opportunities such as; starting a creative project, stepping into leadership, setting clear boundaries, scaling up their business, expressing their truth to their partner, parenting their kids effectively, speaking up for what they believe is right etc

And some of the biggest “blocks” to embarking upon anything new that I see my clients struggle with, are waiting until:

• They have ‘enough’ financial security

• They are certain of the *exact* path and how it will unfold

• Friends and family understand what they doing and why

• All their ‘healing’ is finally ‘complete’

• Everyone they know is validating or cheering them on

• There are no potential setbacks

• There is no chance that they might face criticism, dismissal or even rejection

• They feel completely confident

• They no longer feel like a fraud or imposter

...before they believe they are able to show up & 'do the thing.' Whatever the thing is. Underlying these excuses is very often the false notion that life should be comfortable, and growth should be easy. More damaging still, is the belief that difficult, challenging, or emotionally intense experiences can fundamentally harm them. (This last piece deserves a whole article to itself).

Now I’m certainly not saying that growth has to be hard, that’s another false (or at least incomplete) axiom. However, our old programming inevitably rises up like a two-headed cobra when we are on the precipice of transformation, and our ability to hold the tension of discomfort is the factor between whether we shrink back in terror, or forge ahead in deep trust of our ability to handle however life unfolds.

Questions for reflection:

• Do you believe you are unsafe if you don’t have certainty?

• When someone misunderstands you, do you immediately jump to an old narrative that says “I don’t belong anywhere” and find yourself swirling in victim consciousness?

• Do you believe you can be harmed by the discomfort that arises from being spoken to (or thought of) in a certain way?

• Do you believe you can be harmed by the discomfort that arises from being seen in your full glory?

• Do you feel you are on a hamster-wheel of endless ‘healing’, but never get to actually thrive?

• Do you feel that not succeeding means something about you, or the world, or other people?

• Do you believe it’s dangerous to share your gifts with the world?

This ‘humaning gig’ is rife with both peril and triumph, and both carry an edge of discomfort - or even outright terror. To allow yourself to experience this high sensation does not mean that you are getting life wrong, or doing something wrong, nor does it mean that you are broken or weak. In fact it’s quite the opposite. It demonstrates enormous courage and fortitude, and develops a deep trust in one’s innate resiliency and the genius of the adaptive human design.

When we default to the easy, the comfortable, the known, we disconnect from our power and hold back from going after what we want for fear that we “can’t handle it.” We deny ourselves the joy of trusting our internal GPS system. In essence, we reject our divine humanness.

So what should we do?

Well, those of you have taken any classes or courses with me know that in the 3 Principles understanding, we’re not big on ‘prescriptions’ for solving or ‘doing’. We’re more about pointing people back to what is already True before thought.

And what is True, is that we are an inseparable part of a mysterious, intelligent, adaptive system. The essence of this system is energy, the energy that gave birth to the Universe and powers all of life. Within this system everything is possible, uncertain, and unpredictable, constantly evolving and expanding. Consciousness is inherent in this system, and we humans appeared to develop a very advanced form of it - along with the freedom to ignore it.

Our connection to Awareness (or consciousness) can be cultivated. We can also develop the skill of resting as Awareness. And, resting as Awareness, we tend to fall in love with life on its own terms, rather than fighting and struggling against it, or trying to control it. Falling in love with life means, in part, to release our expectations of a perennially comfortable experience. To relax into the truth that discomfort is part of the human process. To understand and embody the paradox that the more comfortable we get with discomfort, the easier life feels.

And to trust the wild ride that our Soul signed up for down here in earth school.

(My next 8 week Thrive (Level 1) program launches Tuesday 20th July. If any of the themes in this post resonated with you, you may want to join us in the journey of falling in love with life. Click on 'Courses' in the top header menu for more details)